Aug 272011
 

Last week, the Edinburgh chap and family drove from Edinburgh down to Caterham, in Surrey. In order – so we thought – to complete as much of the journey as possible with the children sleeping, and to miss the M25 rush afternoon traffic, we awoke at 02:00.

A quick cup of coffee to blow the cobwebs away, then we loaded everyone into the car. We set off at 02:30. Less than a mile from the house, we drive through a cutting in the road. High banks, no houses, not much street lighting.

A shadowy figure on the pavement. Small, pink. “Was that a kid?” I said. My spotting-out-of-place-people-on-pavements taxi driver’s instinct still honed after all these years in office jobs. My wife’s response still a little sleepy, but I decided to stop the car, and reverse back.

There she was, a small girl in pyjamas and a dressing gown. No slippers or shoes. 200m from the nearest house, at 02:30.

“Are you OK?” No response.

“Where are you going?” “To <name of school>.”

“What’s your name?” She told us her name, and her age.

“Where have you come from? Do you know where you live?” No response.

It was at this point that I decided to outsource the matter. Not only was I concerned for the girl’s safety, but I also had my family to consider, and any complications that may have arisen had we done the natural thing, and bundled her into the car to drive her home. I rang the local police operations room, and a pair of officers showed up a few minutes later.

Obviously the police have to do their job, which includes collecting information on people who are reporting issues to them. Still, I was glad I had my wife and my own children with me. A man alone in the middle of the night finding a girl would have been infinitely more suspicious. I couldn’t have not done anything though, and would have acted in the same way even if I had been on my own. Some things you have to do something about, even if it’s not strictly any of your business.

The school term had started only the day before. She must have woken up, and thought it was time to go to school. Although that doesn’t explain the pyjamas. Maybe she was sleep-walking.

One can only imagine the reaction of the parents, who’d left their house such that their seven-year-old could get out (probably in response to all the hysterical “fire safety” ads that have been on recently). The arrival of the police van, a knock on the door (and nobody wants a knock on the door at 03:00). “Hello, it’s Lothian & Borders Police here, we’d like to talk to you about home security. Oh, and here’s your daughter.”

We arrived at our breakfast waypoint at 07:30. I wonder how many times those parents checked that little girl’s bedroom in the intervening four hours.

Aug 032011
 

I was sitting in the study, listening to some music. Emma, next door, decided that what I was listening to was a bit too energetic to help her get to sleep, trotted on through.

“Daddy, can you put that music on, that we used to listen to at night time, where the picture on your phone is someone standing next to a tree? Jonathan says it’s by Mike, but I’m sure his name is Jack.”

Here’s the album cover:

Someone standing by a tree, artist name Jack…

I haven’t played this album in (according to iTunes stats) two years.

Jul 272011
 

Center Parcs. A holiday park in Whinfell Forest, near Carlisle. Consistent of lodge-based accommodation and activity centres, it’s an overwhelmingly child-focussed place. Activities include nature walks, cookery classes (for under-8s), climbing, horse riding, and many others. The place is a family haven where the children can be exercised & entertained, and then the adults can collapse in comfortable accommodation in the evening. There are, of course, a few adult-relevant activities, but it’s mainly all about the children.

It’s also not cheap. The lodge prices for a week during school holidays start at around £500 for a small one on the perimeter, and increase proportionately as you go closer to the centre and take bigger properties. Our luxury 3-bedroom lodge (sleeps 6) close to the village centre cost £2,000 for the first week of the school summer holidays.

On top of the lodge cost are the activities. Everything except swimming is a cost-option. A moderate itinerary for the week for a family of 5 came to around £500. Suddenly this is starting to look like an expensive holiday, especially as we haven’t factored in any food or drink costs.

A trip to a nearby supermarket yielded a bill of around £200, but it could have been around £130 had we bought more frugally. Additional eating & drinking on an ad-hoc basis (including two trips to the Indian restaurant) came to another £500.

So, child-focussed and expensive. With me so far? The child-friendliness is important when children outnumber adults in the party. The theory goes that if you keep the monsters happy, then the adults can relax. It holds true in part, but the inescapable fact is that children will be children (i.e. demanding, bad-tempered and generally loud & annoying), and that maintaining this level of engagement with the children saps parental energy levels like nothing else. I was falling asleep on the sofa at 9.30 most nights.

The cost aspect is something we just have to deal with. Yes, it’s expensive, but everything’s clean, well-organised, well-staffed and equipment provided for use during the activities is both plentiful and of good quality. The staff are exceptionally pleasant, polite and helpful. And to provide this sort of service costs serious money.

All of this is pretty much in line with expectation. But the summary is that while the children are having a great time, the parents are being physically, emotionally and financially drained. It’s no holiday at all for the parents. Every minute of every day there is something either to be done, or gone to, or looked forward to. As the parents recover from the previous activity the children ask what’s next. It’s unrelenting.

At what point then do the Center Parcs management think it’s acceptable, justified or appropriate to build a fucking toy shop on site? And place it next to the only free activity on the campus, the swimming pool?

Every time the parents take children to swim, they have to walk past the toy shop. It’s a hundred square metres of despair, and it’s completely unnecessary.

It’s as if the management are saying to parents “we’ve got all your money, now your kids are going to ask for more stuff. Mwah ha ha ha ha”.

And it’s not even as if the placement of the toy shop is misery for the parents alone. It activates the avarice that every child has, sparking off legion “can I have” questions. Parents, appalled by the unfettered desires, must decline their requests, which then makes the child sad. This sparks arguments, because the child wants the thing and the parents have already paid quite enough for this week thank you very much. Amongst the park of many joys, lies a hundred square metres of disappointment.

The expectation that parents – having already shelled out handsomely for the holiday – will then dole out yet more cash for a toy that is unneeded and which will probably be unloved within the hour is despicable. It’s an unashamed attempt to grab yet more cash from the parents who are already sacrificing their all at the altar of their children’s happiness. It’s a cynical final nail in the coffin of parental relaxation.

I despise it.